东宫 Eastern Palace: Chapter 34

I suddenly remembered 'Ink splashed door,' remembering Li Cheng Yin using red dye and black dye that was made out of snails to draw the magnificent drawing of the mountains and rivers.  Remembering Ming Yu Fang on that night when we sang and danced, the flashing of swords and knives that night......I remembered him breaking the arrow, swearing the oath.....I remembered the massacre in my dreams that had seemed very realistic. I remembered myself sitting on the sandy hill and singing. I remembered Gu Xiao Wu catching one hundred fireflies for me. I remembered the cold wind at the river of forgetfulness......Also when I had cut the belt with the knife, the painful expression on his face......I threw the brush and rushed to bury myself back in the quilt on my bed. I was scared of remembering everything.

Yong Niang thought that I was still not feeling well, so she gently patted my back; like trying to get a child to fall asleep, she slowly patted me.

A'Du had quietly left, although the sound was very quiet, I could still hear.

I suddenly felt very sad. I didn't even dare ask A'Du, to ask about the Turks, about everything that had happened in the past. Are the things that I had dreamed about real? A'Du must have felt even worse because she's a Turk, but she came with me to the Central Plains, staying by my side and watching me live with the enemies for so long......I felt a sense of weakness that I have never felt before, I don't want to know about anything.

I eventually fell asleep for more than half of the day after spacing out. Yong Niang woke me up at night and made me drink bitter medicine.

Afterwards, Yong Niang asked me what I wanted to eat.

I shook my head, I didn't want to eat anything.

What can I eat right now?

Yong Niang still ordered the kitchen to make noodle soup. She said, "The noodles are soft, there is also soup, it is good to eat when you are sick." I didn't have the appetite to eat noodles, picking up the chopsticks and placing it down again.

Noodle soup reminds me of Li Cheng Yin.

Actually, everything in the Eastern Palace reminds me of Li Cheng Yin.

I just don't want to think about him anymore. Whether it was true or not, I instinctively didn't want to ever see him again.

However there was no way to avoid it. When Li Cheng Yin came to see me, Yong Niang had just taken the noodle soup and walked away. He walked in with a smile on his face, just like before; only I knew that everything was different from before. We had such a terrible past, the holy water of the river of forgetfulness had made me forget everything, made him forget everything. We were muddleheaded, unexpectedly getting married like this. And being muddleheaded, I've spent three years with him here........ Without waiting for me to finish thinking, Li Cheng Yin had already quickly walked to my bed, and reached out to touch my forehead.

I turned my face to the side.

His hand was touching nothing, but he wasn't angry, he said, "You finally woke up, I was really worried." I looked at him quietly, just like looking at a stranger. He finally felt something wasn't right and asked me, "What's wrong with you?" When he saw that I had ignored him, he said: "You were taken by the assassin during the lantern festival when all nine gates were opened....." I don't know why I felt impatient. I could no longer remember the way he stood at the city tower during that day, but when I was standing above the river of forgetfulness, I was only afraid that I would remember everything. What was the point of saying these now? Does he want to lie to me again with sweet words? He had forgot everything in the past just like that, but I remembered, I have already remembered everything!

He said: "..I haven't seen you in the city for days, I thought......" At this point, his tone slowly became low, he said, "I thought I would never be able to see you again......" He reached out and tried to touch my shoulder, I remembered Father's tears, I remembered my Mother had collapsed in a pool of blood, I remembered my grandfather's final shout, I remembered that He Shi used his hands that were covered with blood to push me onto the horse's back......Suddenly I pulled out a golden hairpin, and stabbed him in the chest.

I used all my force. He must have never thought that I would suddenly stab him, so he just stared blankly, only at the last instant did he reach out to cover his chest. The golden hairpin was very sharp, it kept on pricking the palm of his hand, and blood slowly flowed out. He stared blankly at me, the expression in his eyes was so complicated that I couldn't understand, as if he doesn't believe that I would do this.

Actually I didn't believe it myself. I covered my own chest, I could feel myself trembling.

After some time have passed, he suddenly grabbed the golden hairpin, and pulled it out. He pulled it out very quickly, without a sound, only a slight frown, as if it was not his own flesh or blood. The blood was flowing out, I watched the blood flow, flowing down his wrist to his robe sleeve, the red blood was like a ferocious snake crawling over the fabric. He was looking at me while grasping onto the hairpin that was dripping blood, I suddenly felt very nervous as if I couldn't breathe.

He threw the golden hairpin to the ground, a 'dang' sound could be heard. The amethyst stones, jade and pearls on the golden hairpin had dispersed onto the ground. His voice was light and faint, as if he was afraid of disturbing others,  he asked: "Why?" How could I talk about the awful past? The resentment between us contained a lot of blood. It turns out that forgetting wasn't bad, it was luck. How good was it to forget everything, just like him.

I had turned my face, he said: "I know." I don't know what he knows, but his voice seemed to contain a tingling coldness: "I didn't want to ask you because you are sick, but in that case, I can't help but ask, how did you escape from the assassin? It was A'Du who brought you back. I couldn't ask her, she wouldn't say where the assassin had went, and where she saved you. She is someone from Western Liang and it's inappropriate for me to extort confession by torture. However you should still tell me how the assassin looked like....." I looked at this man, this man who had chosen to fall into the river of forgetfulness with me, having forgotten everything. But I will never forget how he killed my grandfather, I will never forget how my family was ruined. I will never forget that I will never be able to go back to Western Liang again. I opened my mouth, but did not make any sound. I almost sneered while looking at him. He came to ask me who was the assassin? Does he not know who was the assassin? Or did he even forget who Gu Jian was after jumping into the river of forgetfulness?

I looked at him, he looked at me too, and after a long time have passed, he suddenly threw me a pair of jade pendants. I stared at the pair of jade pendants which I recognized. I had waited before on the sandy hill for three days three nights. At that time, he was called Gu Xiao Wu. At that time, I was happy, waiting for someone who I thought was a good person. At that time, he was holding a jade pendant in his hand, smiling at me. At that time, we were on the outskirts of Western Liang, both of us were looking at the purest sky together, before heading back to the city.

At that time, neither of us were as ferocious as we are now. I was still the ninth princess of Western Liang while he was Gu Xiao Wu, a tea merchant from the Central Plains.

Li Cheng Yin's hand was still bleeding, he grabbed my arm and squeezed my bones. He forced me to look up, he looked straight into my eyes and asked: "Why?" He asked again why.

I also want to know why, why fate would tease us like this, again and again, forcing a terrible past upon us. I looked into his eyes, which were filled with indescribable pain along with a last glimmer of hope, as if he was waiting for me to say something.

I opened my mouth, but said nothing.

The blood in his hand dripped on my face. He said coldly without any warmth: "Why were you able to come back unharmed, why did A'Du not dare to tell me where the assassin went, why did you have a pair of mandarin duck jade pendants in your hand.....Mandarin duck.....Did I break a pair of couple?" His hand placed more pressure onto my shoulder which was making my shoulder painful. I was suddenly very upset, what kind of mentality did he have when he jumped into the river of forgetfulness with me? Was it to say those words? Those Central Plains words that I couldn't understand? I had long forgotten what were those words that was said. I could only remember Pei Zhao's final shout, he must have been shocked. After all, Li Cheng Yin was not Gu Xiao Wu; my Gu Xiao Wu had already died in battle. When I finally looked up at him, his eyes were dark, reflecting my shadow. Who is he? The Gu Xiao Wu who caught me fireflies? Or the lover who left me at the wedding? Or when we were above the river of forgetfulness, when he saw me cut the belt, the pain and regret that was on his face, was it real?

I've been tricked over and over again by this man until now, who knows if he was lying to me? He broke the arrow and swore an oath in front of the assassin, he spoke with such assurance, but a moment later, he stood with Zhao Liang Di at the top of the Cheng Tian gate.....My Gu Xiao Wu was already dead, thinking up to here, my heart was as if it was torn apart. My voice was cracking when I spoke, so terrifying I didn't recognize my own voice. I said, "You broke us up, you broke Gu Xiao Wu and I." He stared blankly, after a while, he smiled contemptuously: "Gu Xiao Wu?" I looked at him, his hand was still bleeding, the blood flowing to his robe. When we were at the top of the river of forgetfulness, my heart felt like it had already turned into ashes, but at this point, I don't even have the strength to struggle. I felt extremely tired, I said word by word, "You killed Gu Xiao Wu." My Gu Xiao Wu, the only person I ever loved was killed by him. He killed the Turks, he killed him at our unfinished wedding at Western Liang.

My mind was in a mess, I forgot about everything and then came here to be married to Li Cheng Yin. When I had forgotten everything, I didn't even know that Gu Xiao Wu was already dead.

He laughed in a furious way: "Good! Good! Very good!" He turned around and left without looking at me again.

When Yong Niang came back, she was very surprised and said, "How come his Highness had left?" She screamed and said: "Oh, how come there's so much blood on the ground?......" She ordered a palace maid to come in to wipe the blood and then she asked me what had happened. I didn't want her to know, so I let her ask here and there but answered vaguely. What should I do? Am I still able to go back to Western Liang? But even if I returned to Western Liang, Gu Xiao Wu was already dead.

Yong Niang thought I looked tired and that I wanted to sleep, so she stopped asking. She let A'Du come in and sleep with me, A'Du slept on the thick fabric that was in front of my bed.

But I couldn't sleep so I got up from bed. A'Du got up as well and poured a cup of tea for me, thinking that I wanted to drink something.

Instead of picking up the cup of tea from her hand, I held her hand and wrote something in her palm.

I asked her, how about we go back to Western Liang?

A'Du nodded.

I felt relieved, she would follow me wherever I choose to go. I didn't even know how much she had suffered before and I don't know why she was willing to come here with me. I took her hand, stared in a daze, and tears slowly rolled down. When A'Du saw that I was crying, she panicked, using her sleeves to wipe away my tears. I wrote in her hand: don't worry. A'Du felt very sad, she pulled me into her embrace, slowly touching my hair like she was touching a child. She comforted me, and I slowly closed my eyes.

Actually in my heart, I understood that I am done and so tired. I used to like Gu Xiao Wu, after I forgot about everything, I liked Li Cheng Yin again. Even if he lied to me again and again, I would still love him.

The river of forgetfulness, to forget a love. Anyone who has been through the water will forget their pains and worries. I forgot about him, and he forgot about me, the two of us won't be involved again, but why did I fall in love with him again after forgetting everything? He has never been good to me, but I still liked him. Over the past three years, we have pushed each other away, but why have we ended up still coming to this day? God had once listened to my prayers, letting me forget all the pain and worries that he had inflicted on me, but now God is punishing me? Letting me remember everything once again, after falling in love with him again.

Li Cheng Yin never came to see me again.

I remained sick for a long time and by the time I was able to speak again, the magnolias[1] outside had already withered, the cherry blossoms in the courtyard had already bloomed like pink clouds.

The cherry blossoms bloomed faster than the peach trees, so when the cherry blossoms bloomed, it felt like spring has already arrived. Several cherry blossom trees bloomed with glistening flowers clustered together like an afterglow, surrounding the roof. Some of the tree branches have stretched into the window.

A lot of things happened while I was sick, Yong Niang had told me. First the grand secretary, Ye Cheng, was accused of betraying the government. Then I heard that many were involved and everyone in court feared of being accused. General Pei Kuang had traveled to Goryeo [2] and came back from a victorious battle and his Majesty granted him a large sum of gold. His Majesty also acquired a new imperial concubine who was very young and beautiful. People in the palace refer to her as 'Niang Zi,' and his Majesty dotes on her a lot; even Noble Consort Gao who is in charge of the harem was inferior to her in terms of favoritism. There were a lot of talks about whether his Majesty would grant her the title of Empress because such favoritism was rare. Whether it was about the court or the harem, I will hear it and then forget about it.
　　
Hearing about these matters made me feel impatient. I felt that kindness from men cannot be relied upon, especially men from the imperial family. What are women in comparison to the world? Gu Jian had said that to be an emperor, one must be ruthless. I think he was right.

One afternoon, it suddenly began to rain. Looking at the rain in the courtyard, Yong Niang said: "This will not be good for the flowers." Although I already felt much better than before, I still have not yet completely recovered, and too many prescriptions have been prescribed by the imperial doctor. Continuously drinking the medicine every day, but they still haven't been effective. Whenever I coughed, Yong Niang would busily bring a cape for me to put around my shoulders so that I wouldn't catch a cold. I wished my cough would quickly get better because the faster I get better, the faster I could return to Western Liang with A'Du.

No matter how Western Liang have changed, I still have to go back.

I sat in front of the window, watching the cherry blossoms in the rain. The delicate petals falling down like shredded silk slowly soaked in the rain and glued themselves to the branches. Yong Niang had already ordered people to build a tent to cover the flowers and trees, which was what the Central Plains used to protect the flowers so that the rain will not destroy them. I looked at the cherry blossoms underneath the tent. There were tiny golden bells hung on all four sides of the tent, which were meant to keep away the birds. With the wind blowing, the bells made a faint sound.

Now that I was often in a daze, Yong Niang felt that I had become a very different person. I used to be very loud, now I was very quiet, and I could often catch her looking at me with great concern.

A'Du was also worried about me, she had tried many times to bring me out to play, but I had no energy. I didn't tell A'Du that I had remembered everything in the past, I felt that some things should be taken care of by myself.

When the cherry blossoms withered, the weather was completely warm. Everyone in the palace had changed into wearing thin clothing. Yong Niang had ordered someone to build a swing for me in the courtyard, something that I liked to play on. Li Cheng Yin had always thought that it was a frivolous activity, that's why the swings that were in the Eastern Palace before had been taken down. Now Yong Niang had built a new one for me, but I didn't want to play that anymore.

While they were building the frame of the swing, Pei Zhao came by to visit. I haven't seen him for a long time, the last time was when he had advise me not to interact with Yue Niang. I remembered when I first met him, he had took A'Du's knife away. I remembered his shocked voice when we were above the river of forgetfulness. He doesn't know that I have remembered everything.

I won't let him find out that I've remembered the past; if I did, he would strictly guard me. Central Plains people can lie, that is something I've learned along the way. I am going to hide it from them, so I can find an opportunity to escape with A'Du.

Pei Zhao had brought me some goods, which were all bestowed to the palace. It was said that these goods were seized by general Pei Kuang when he was in Goryeo. His Majesty have granted the goods to many people, and I also have been granted some.

It was mostly antique jewelry, but I was never interested in these things. I ordered Yong Niang to accept it.

There was also another basket, which Pei Zhao personally held and presented it to me.

I didn't take it, only ordered Yong Niang to open it, which turned out to be a kitten that was the size of a fist. Its whole body was covered in snowy white fur, like a rabbit. However it was a kitten, with two eyes of different color: one blue and one green, very cute. It leaned on the basket, making a soft voice.

I asked: "This was gifted by his Majesty?" Pei Zhao said: "This is something from Siam[3], which was seized by my father. My younger siblings are naughty. They wouldn't be able to raise it, so I brought it to give to Crown Princess." I went to pick up the kitten. As it laid on my palm, it meowed frantically, sticking out its little pink tongue to lick my fingers. The feeling of softness brushing through my fingers helped lessen the feeling of numbness that was hard to bear. I immediately liked the kitten. I smiled at Pei Zhao and said, "Thank you, General Pei." I could tell that Pei Zhao seem relieved. I looked at him with a face filled with smile. He had followed Li Cheng Yin to travel to the west. He knew everything, including watching me jump off the cliff of the river of forgetfulness, but he never mentioned a single word in front of me. I thought that he was really loyal to Li Cheng Yin. If he knew I had now remembered everything, would his expression immediately change and become more defensive towards me? These Central Plains peoples' schemes, I will learn bit by bit, and I will repay them with all the pain that they have brought upon me.

Notes:
[1] 玉兰花 Magnolia- a tree with creamy pink flowers.
[2] 高丽 Goryeo- Korean kingdom that was founded in 918.
[3] 暹罗 Siam- former name of Thailand.

<Chapter 33                                                                                                              Chapter 35>

东宫 Eastern Palace: Chapter 33

Along the way, I felt anxious like there was a burning fear, fearing that one misstep would cause Western Liang to be attacked by Li Cheng Yin, just like the way he killed the Turks. After a long journey, we finally arrived just outside the city of Western Liang.

Seeing that the city was safe, I couldn't help but feel relieved. The city gate was still wide open, winter was coming, there were less caravans, and the city guards that are guarding the gate were covered with sheepskin, dozing off. A'Du and I quietly entered the city.

The familiar palace was particularly solemn in the late autumn cold night. We didn't disturb the guards in the palace, instead we entered the palace through a small door. The imperial palace of Western Liang was merely guarded by several thousand of guards in a relaxed manner. Since Western Liang does not have any enemies, coming here are mostly merchants. Speaking of the imperial palace, it cannot be compared to the Anxi County that is heavily-guarded. In the past, I used to slip out of the palace through this small door, out to the city, and returning back through here, never being found out.

The people in the palace seemed to be asleep. I took A'Du back to my own room, it was quiet inside without anyone. The weather was too cold, and A'Du's face turned pale. I took a leather robe and gave it to A'Du to wear. Our boots were worn out, exposing our toes. I found two new boots to wear, this way we could keep warm.

I walked down the corridor to my mother's palace residence where she lived. I ran all the way so that I could quickly see my mother.

There was no light in the palace. But the fire was already lit in the palace, and there were several fire pans on the carpet. I saw my father sitting next to the fire pans with his head lowered.

I softly called out: "Father." Father was shocked, he slowly turned, seeing that it was me, his eyes became red: "Child, where have you been?" I've never seen Father like this, I could feel some heat in my eyes, a sense of grievance flowing out of my eyes. I pulled my Father's sleeves, asked him: "Where is Mother?" Father's eyes became even more red, his voice seems to be coming from his nose, he said: "Child, hurry and run away." I watched him in a daze, A'Du jumped up and pulled out her knife. Everywhere suddenly turned bright, countless people came in holding lantern torches. I recognized the leader, I knew it was the envoy of the Central Plains that had came to seek marriage, his expression was like a victorious rooster, slowly coming inside. When he saw my Father, he did not kneel down to pay respect, but instead said with arrogance: "King of Western Liang, since the princess has returned, the marriage between the two countries will naturally be fulfilled. You now have no excuses to avoid it." These people were really despicable, I pulled my Father's sleeves and asked him, "What about Mother?" My Father burst into tears, I have never seen my Father cry, I was shocked. Father suddenly pulled out a knife from his waist, and pointed at the Central Plains people. His voice was low, he said: "These Central Plains People, my child you should look carefully at these people, they were the ones that forced your Mother to die, they have forced our Western Liang, they wanted me to hand over your Mother. Your mother did not want to be humiliated, so she committed suicide in the palace.

They......They broke into the palace, they wanted to see your Mother's dead body so that they are convinced that she is dead......These people are murderers! They are the killers that killed your Mother......" Father's voice sounded like a mumbling curse, an echoing sound can be heard in the palace. My whole body was as if it had suffered a hit, I stumbled back a step. Father had cut his face, his face was covered with blood, and he pointed his knife towards the envoy. His movement was intense like a lion, the Central Plains people hastily dispersed, hearing only an echoing sound, the envoy's head had been chopped down by my Father. Father waved the knife, breathing heavily. As the soldiers around him approached again, someone shouted: "The King of Western Liang, you have killed the Central Plains' envoy, do you want to rebel?" Mother! My Mother! I have experienced many difficulties coming back here, but I will never be able to see my Mother again...... My body shuddered at the thought, I pointed at those people and shouted, "Where is Li Cheng Yin? Where is he? Where is he hiding?" No one answered me at first, after a moment someone in the crowd came out. Looking at his attire, it seemed to be a general of the Central Plains. He looked at me and said, "Princess, the King of Western Liang is clearly not in the right state of mind, as he has mistakenly killed the envoy of the Central Plains. Upon seeing his Highness, I the subject will clarify this matter to him. I hope Princess will stay calm, and not damage the dignity of the two countries." I recognized the general, he was the one who had caught A'Du and I in the grassland, took away A'Du's knife, and brought me to the army camp. His martial arts must be good, I am definitely not his opponent. Last time I was able to escape from the camp only because of Shifu. This time Shifu is not here, who else could save me?

I said: "I want to see Li Cheng Yin." The general said: "The King of Western Liang has promised to marry Princess to the Crown Prince so that the two countries will be joint by marriage alliance. The Crown Prince is sincere, and had personally come to Western Liang to marry Princess. Princess will be able to see his Highness eventually, there is no need to be anxious." I watched as those people approach, and Father waved his knife in an attempt to fend them off, but he was eventually subdued. There was so much going on in the imperial palace, but not a single guard had come to take a look. It was obvious that control of the whole city had been seized by the Central Plains people. Father was restrained to the ground by those people, while being yelled at. My mind was like a hot pot of boiling oil, a burning sensation can be felt throughout my body, wanting to rush forward. But those people had placed a knife by Father's neck, and if I move, they would probably kill him. These Central Plains people always say that we are barbarians, but they are more cruel than us when they kill people. As I burst into tears, the general was saying, "Princess, please advise the King to not harm himself." My voice was stuck in my throat. Someone moved to grab my arm, it was A'Du. Her fingers felt cold, but her support was the only thing that helped me remain standing. I looked at her, her dark eyes looked back at me, and I could feel my eyes burning. I know, if I say one word, she would rush forward and fight for me. But why? Why should I let A'Du be involved in this? I said, "Don't kill my father, I'll go with you." Father has lost his mind, since my Mother's death. It's said that he has been like this, becoming conscious and then falling unconscious over and over. Whenever he was conscious, he would try to kill those Central Plains people; when he was unconscious, it seemed like nothing had ever happened. Since everything turned out like this, I would rather his mind remain unconscious forever. When my Mother died, Father's heart also died with her. My older brothers were put under house arrest by the Central Plains. Palace maids were terrified and scared, but I still remained calm.

How can I die so easily without revenge?

I accepted the imperial decree, and decided to marry Li Cheng Yin. Central Plains had just settled the Turks, so they urgently needed the support of the Western Regions to prevent the Yuezhi from become stronger. With the Turks dead, the Western Regions becoming very chaotic, the imperial decree indicated that my Father will be bestowed with a title of Dingxi[1] Khan, which was a honorable title. The Yuezhi were very displeased; they had joined forces with the Central Plains to defeat the Turks, and originally intended to take up a large area of the Turk's territory with one move. But Western Liang was about to have a marriage alliance with the Central Plains. Western Regions was originally led by the Turks, now they are led by Western Liang.

I changed into the red wedding dress provided by the Central Plains, and escorted by the Central Plains army, we slowly headed east.

It wasn't until we had reached Tian Gen mountains that I saw Li Cheng Yin. According to rules of the Central Plains, unmarried couples cannot meet before their marriage; but we already knew each other long ago. Now we are on the way, everything was simple, and after my repeated requests, Li Cheng Yin finally came to my camp. The servants have already walked out, there was only the two of us in the tent.

I sat on the rug and didn't talk for a long time. It wasn't until he turned away that I said to him, "You do one thing for me, then I will marry you with all my will." He simply did not turn around, but asked: "What is it?" "I want you to catch a hundred fireflies for me." His back was stiff, and he turned slowly to see me. I even smiled at him: "Gu Xiao Wu, do you dare to agree?" His eyes were as if we were by the river that night, but no longer contain any warmth, I already knew everything was false. What about him? Still keep on acting, he'll probably get tired of it sooner or later. "It's winter, there are no fireflies." He finally opened his mouth and sounded as if nothing had happened, "Central Plains is great, it has fireflies, beautiful birds, beautiful flowers, exquisite houses, you will like the Central Plains." I looked at him, but he avoided my eyes.

I asked, "Have you ever really liked me? Even with a little bit of sincerity?" He didn't say anything anymore, only opened the curtains of the tent, and walked out.

The wind outside had lightly swirled the snowflakes, constantly blowing them inside. The fire pan in the tent had originally been lit, but the gloomy flame was blown by a sudden gust of wind and snow, wavering a bit before being extinguished in an instant. It was really cold, this kind of winter.

When A'Du and I tried to escaped during the middle of the night, Li Cheng Yin personally led an army of three thousand soldiers to chase after us. We fled into the mountains, but they kept chasing us.

By the time it was dawn, A'Du and I had climbed up the cliff.

While we hid in the mountains, we would often encounter the wolves. Ever since the white-eyed wolf king had been killed, the wolves had lost their leader, and the fight among them has been  more intense. Every time I see them, they're always tearing each other apart; they don't pay any attention to humans, just like the way Western Regions was treated by the Central Plains. They killed the Turks just like they killed the wolf king, then the rest of the tribe will fight, kill, fight.....No longer will the tribes glare at the Central Plains, just like the wolves, who will kill their companions and fight for the position of the wolf king, and no longer hurting people.

My clothes kept flapping due to the strong wind, as I stood on the edge of the cliff, the cold wind blowing into my eyes cause me unable to keep them open. I know that if I were to jump down, all the troubles will disappear.

Li Cheng Yin had caught up, so I took a step back. The general of the Central Plains army was worried that I would jump down. I heard him say aloud, "Your Highness, let this subject persuade the princess." Along the way, I've understood a little bit of the Central Plains language, I also knew that general's surname was Pei, Li Cheng Yin's favorite general. However General Pei was unable to persuade Li Cheng Yin, I saw that Li Cheng Yin had dismounted from the horse, climbing up the cliff.

 　　I didn't stop him, watching him climb the cliff. The wind was like a mist, the clouds were swirling under the cliffs, don't know how deep it was. He stood on the edge of the cliff, gasping for air because he was running here. I pointed at the cliff and asked him, "Do you know what's under here?" Maybe it was the snowy wind that was too intense, his face looked pale, the wind swirling snow pellets, blowing onto the face, very painful. I used my hand to wipe the snow water on my face, he didn't know what he should say to me, so he was just silent. I told him, "That's the river of forgetfulness. The river of forgetfulness, to forget a love......There is a saying in the Western Regions that you have probably never heard of: As long as you jump into the river of forgetfulness, you will forget all your worries in this world, be transformed and reborn. Very magical, but God has this power, this holy water that can allow people to forget all their pains and worries. However no one has survived after jumping into the river of forgetfulness. God's care can sometimes be cruel.....You used my Father and older brothers to threaten me, so I could only marry you." I even smiled at him, "However I have the choice to choose to live or die." He looked at my face and said, "If you act lightly, I will bury the whole Western Liang with you." "Your Highness will not," I calmly said. This is my first time calling him your Highness, and will also perhaps be the last time. "Your Highness has the ambition of settling the Western Regions and ruling the world. Nothing is better than your Highness' great cause. The Turks have just been settled, the Yuezhi became more powerful, and your Highness needs Western Liang to control the Yuezhi and to show your vision to each country. Your Highness used terrifying methods to pacify the Turks, but your Highness pacified Western Liang with the heart of the Buddha. With the honor of the Crown Prince of the Celestial Empire, marrying this barbarian of Western Liang to be your Crown Princess, the Western Regions will recall fondly of your Highness." I look at him with a sneer, "If your Highness continues to kill everyone in Western Liang, what will be destroyed would not only be a small Western Liang, but everything you have painstakingly managed." Li Cheng Yin hearing me say this, his expression had changed. Finally he could not help but take a step forward, but I took a step backward. My heel was already in the air, and the wind beneath the cliff made me almost unable to stand still, shaking as if it was going to fall at any moment. My clothes were blowing so hard in the air that my sleeve was like a thin blade, constantly hitting against my arm. He didn't dare to move forward, and I said to him, "I have misjudged you, now the country is in ruins, and God has tortured me as punishment." I said each word with a pause, "For all my lifetimes, I will forever forget you!" Li Cheng Yin was so shocked that he reached forward to grab me, but he was only able to grab my sleeve. With my left hand raised, a 'chi' sound can be heard, the knife in my hand cutting the sleeve. Half of my body was already in midair, but he was quick, pulling out a belt that was like a long whip to wrap it around me, pulling me up. That belt was actually the one on the wedding day, coral colored and decorated with pearls and jades......I had thought that we could live together until old age. I thought that we could be like this forever. I thought that God had finally gave me a person that I could long for......I had once helped him tie on this belt before he had left the wedding ceremony, with infinite love and admiration, hoping that he would return safely..... By then, we are officially married, granted by the God as husband and wife......I waved my knife to cut off the belt, the wind was blowing, the pearls and jades was like a swirling rain.....I could finally clearly see his expression, it was very painful......I leaned back, my entire body was already falling down. Countless people were shouting in shock as well as General Pei of the Central Plains, his voice was even more shocking: "Your Highness....." Everything that was happening on the cliff could no longer be seen, but only the clear sky..... It was as if the wind was supporting the clouds, but I was constantly falling from the clouds. As my body was falling and twisting, my head was facing down, no longer able to see the sky, and the endless wind was like thorns hitting the face, making me unable to open my eyes. A'Du told me that underneath was the river of forgetfulness, but what does the river of forgetfulness look like?  Was it a deep pool of jade colored water? Or was it an abyss that will swallow people whole?......The despair of emptiness was slowly rushing in. I was thinking of my Mother, if I would be able to see her, then that would be great. Every hope had turned into dust, in this world only my Mother loved me the most. I thought somebody grabbed my hand, but at this point I wasn't certain as the wind was still blowing through my ears. That person who was pulling me, we continued falling rapidly down with the wind.....He was holding onto me as we were spinning in the air ......He kept on trying to grasp the edges of the cliff, but we were falling too fast. Jostled stones were falling with us, like shooting stars pulled from the sky......It was like that night when we were beside the river, countless fireflies flying from our sleeves, like a meteor shower, shining onto our faces...... His eyes only had me...... like I was the only one for him...... I would have never dreamed that he would jump down with me, I had believed that he never felt any bit of sincerity towards me.

He said: "Xiao Feng!" The wind had swept away the sound from his lips, so thin that I could hardly hear it. I guess I must have heard it wrong, or it was all just hallucination. He would never jump down, because he was Li Cheng Yin, not my Gu Xiao Wu, who had died on the night of the battle between the Turks and the Central Plains.

He said something in Central Plains language,  I didn't understand it.

That was the last sentence in my memory, and maybe he followed me down the cliff, just to say that to me. What was it, I no longer wanted to know...... I felt relieved and calm, knowing that in the last moment, I was not alone...... A heavy body hurled into the water, smacked by jade colored water, like numerous cold knives, splitting my skin. I gave up the struggle, letting myself sink to the bottom, like a baby returning to its mother, like a flower falling onto the earth, I knew these were the most peaceful places to live.

Deep water, "The river of forgetfulness, to forget a love......" ..."A fox sitting on a sandy hill, looking at the moon. Oh, it's not looking at the moon, it's waiting for the shepherd girl to return......" ..."It sounds awful! Change to another song!" ..."I could only sing this song......" ..."For all my lifetimes, I will forever forget you!"...In my memories there was light flashing and flickering, like a thick fog gradually spreading, revealing only an illusory mirage. I slowly opened my blurred eyes and everything started to come into focus. I see A'Du, who was right next to me. I could also see Yong Niang, her eyes were red and slightly swollen.

I looked at the mosquito net with embroidered flowers, I slowly recognized that this was the Eastern Palace, my own palace residence.

I slowly sighed, it felt like I had a nightmare in which terrible things had happened: I was taken by an assassin, and then the assassin was Gu Jian, I stood under the Cheng Tian gate and watched Li Cheng Yin who was upstairs.....The most terrifying part was that I dreamed about knowing Li Cheng Yin long ago. Under the name Gu Xiao Wu, killed all the Turks, killed my grandfather, and forced my Mother to die......Father became mad, and I was forced to jump into the river of forgetfulness....This nightmare was terrible......It was so terrifying that I didn't want to think about it......Fortunately it was just a nightmare, I slowly grabbed Yong Niang's hand and smiled at her, wanting to say, "I'm so hungry...." But I couldn't say anything, my throat was very sore, the air was swirling in my mouth, but I couldn't talk. I was so anxious that I immediately reached for my neck with my hand. Yong Niang pulled my hand away with tears in her eyes: "Don't worry Crown Princess, the imperial doctor said that you only have a sore throat, that's why you have lost your voice. It will slowly get better......" As I looked at A'Du and then looked at Yong Niang, a palace maid brought a bowl of dew and Yong Niang personally fed it to me. The sweet smell and cool taste of the dew made me feel very comfortable, and immediately eased the pain on my throat. I swallowed it, and Yong Niang said, "Slow down, slow down......Don't choke......Oh......Not drinking anything these past few days......Making this servant worried......" Days?

How many days have I been asleep?

I wanted paper and a brush. Yong Niang busily ordered people to bring it to me, a palace maid brought an ink stone. I dipped the brush into the ink, however when I was about to write, I hesitated.

What should I write?

What did I want to ask? Ask if all the Turks were dead? Ask my father if he had become deranged? When I had arrived at the Central Plains, he had never sent anyone to see me. I missed Western Liang everyday, but there wasn't anyone who had come to visit. Before I didn't think there was anything strange. I used to blame my Father for being heartless, but now I understand that Western Liang had become a fantasy. I didn't dare to ask A'Du, how would I dare ask Yong Niang?

After a long time have passed, I was still unable to write anything.

The ink became more condensed at the end of the brush for nothing had been written even after a long time had passed. It finally dripped onto the paper, resulting in a splatter of ink resembling the form of a flower.

Notes:
[1] 定西 Dingxi- a city in the Gansu province.

<Chapter 32                                                                                                              Chapter 34>

东宫 Eastern Palace: Chapter 32

I am sorry for dragging this for the nth time, but since we are quarantined right now, we have a lot of free time to work on this translation project, so we should be able to finish it. I know right now is a very difficult time, so wherever you readers are, stay safe and happy reading.

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I thought he would kill me, but instead he broke the rope that was tied to my hands and said to me, "You must have suffered." I looked at him with my head bent, calmly said: "Gu Xiao Wu, one day I will kill you and avenge my grandfather. You traitor, scoundrel." I couldn't curse out any harsher words, instead only repeatedly cursing at him. He wasn't angry at all, but he smiled at me: "If you're angry, you can keep cursing at me." I looked at him like I was looking at a stranger. This man walked out of our wedding and led thirty thousand Turks to fight. However, it was not expected that he would join forces with the Yuezhi. Besides completely wiping out the thirty thousand Turk army, the armies of the Central Plains and the Yuezhi had also stormed into the tents. My grandfather was caught off guard, so he was killed. The Turks are dead! Two hundred thousand people......What kind of massacre was that? It was as if A’Du and I have escaped from the Devas and Asuras war [1], the grassland was covered by the bloods of two hundred thousand people, and the person who was in charge of this massacre was standing here all this time.

I was finally getting tired of cursing so I just sat there trying to figure out what his heart was made out of. I looked at him tiredly and said, "You lied to me for so long, why don't you kill me now?" He looked at me and didn't say anything for a long time. After some time have passed, he suddenly turned his head and looked at the sunlight that was coming in from the curtains. The curtains, originally snow-white, are now black and gray in dust. The early autumn sunshine was perfect, shining on the floor, reflecting our shadows. He suddenly grabbed my wrist, there was no strength in my wrist, so the knife that I was about to use fell to the ground. It was his knife, he was supposed to switch knives with He Shi to become sworn brothers. However He Shi gave me the knife instead. A’Du and I were in a difficult situation, I have been hiding this knife, wanting to use it to kill myself at the very last moment so I don't have to get humiliated by the enemies. He looked at me and said, "You shouldn’t do this kind of foolish thing.” "Foolish thing?” I almost wanted to laugh, who else in this world was more foolish than me? I believed in a man and was almost married to him. This person was a traitor sent by the Central Plains. I thought that he would die in the battle against the Yuezhi, I wanted to avenge for him. 

At this time, suddenly someone came in and exchanged a few words with Gu Xiao Wu. Gu Xiao Wu’s expression suddenly changed, he grabbed the knife and left the tent. I was extremely tired so I was just lying down motionless. I don’t know how much time have passed, someone gently pulled my clothing and called out my name: "Xiao Feng! " When I turned around, it was Shifu.  I couldn’t help, but feel overjoyed, holding his hand and asking, "How come you are here?" Shifu said to me: “This is not the place to talk, I’ll take you away." He pulled out his sword to cut a hole in the tent and then we slipped out of the tent. There were several horses there, we both got on the horses, and we were about to rush out of the camp when I suddenly thought, "A’Du! Also A’Du! " "What about A’Du?" I said: “He Shi’s little sister A’Du, she rushed out to protect me, I can't just leave her." Shifu couldn't do anything but take me back to search for A’Du. We were looking for A’Du in the camp where the prisoners were located. However the guards noticed us. Although Shifu was skilled, he was trapped in an area filled with camps, so the fight was very hard to escape. In the camp, there was already commotion with more people coming from all sides. Seeing that we were at a disadvantage, Shifu kept on fighting and retreating until he had reached the stable. He lit the fire, throwing it into the fodder.

The big camp's stable with their tons of fodder was in a state of fire. There was a huge uproar in the camp, and everyone rushed to help put out the fire. Seizing this chance, Shifu brought A’Du out. The army from the Central Plain was strict and disciplined, and after a short period of time have passed, the turmoil in the camp has gradually subsided with some people rushing to rescue the fire, while others were riding horses chasing after us.

Fighting and retreating until we have reached the bottom of Tian Gen mountain. The number of soldiers were increasing. I looked at the yellow flags that the soldiers were holding. I didn’t understand the Central Plains words that were written on it, so I asked Shifu: "Are these people from the Anxi county protectorate?" I already knew Central Plains have armies in the Anxi county protectorate, but I did not expect that the number would be this strong.

There were a few drops of blood on his cheeks, being the tidy person that he was, he used his hands to wipe off the blood.  Laughing coldly: "Where in Anxi County would there be this kind of army?.....These people are the Yu Lin army of the Eastern Palace, the Yu Lin army of the Central Plains, all of whom are disciples of influential families.  You see every one of them are striving to be on the top, wanting to achieve great accomplishments. I asked: "What is the great accomplishment?" Shifu said: "Capturing you alive is the great accomplishment." I have never thought that I would be that important. The army was chasing us, continuously shouting at us. Someone even learned how to speak weird Western Liang language, saying that our only opportunity to live was to back down and escape. If it was as usual, I would have turned around and killed them. But after a series of twists and turns, I finally knew that one against an army of ten thousand soldiers was like a droplet in the ocean, like the grass before the hurricane. No one could withstand such a large number of soldiers by themselves; Grandfather cannot, He Shi cannot, Shifu cannot as well.

When it was dark, we fled into the Tian Gen mountain, while the army stayed at the foot of the mountain. From behind the rocks, we could see a bonfire under the mountain. A row of fire moving like a dragon could be seen at a close distance, which is the constant rush of assistance from the camp. I finally asked Shifu, "Who is Gu Xiao Wu?" “His surname is not Gu." Shifu's tone was as calm as usual: “He is Li Cheng Yin, the fifth son of the Emperor of the Central Plains, and the Crown Prince of the Eastern Palace." I had only guessed that Gu Xiao Wu was not a tea merchant. However after this situation, I thought that he would be a general of the Central Plains, but he is so young. There are many famous generals in the Central Plains, but no one had heard of a general with the surname Gu. So it turned out his surname is not Gu. Not only was his surname not Gu, but he also had a very distinguished identity.

I don't know if I wanted to cry or laugh.

I remembered the envoy of the Central Plains. When the envoy first came to seek marriage in place of the Crown Prince of the Central Plains, I could never have imagined that the situation from then would turn out this way. At that time, I didn't have any good feelings towards the Central Plains, but I didn't hate it as much as I do now. "Why did he say his surname is Gu?" Shifu hesitated for a moment, which was something I never thought he would do, but finally he told me the truth: "Because his mother’s surname is Gu.” When I looked at Shifu, I couldn't see anything in the dark, his voice was low and slow: "Yes, you knew my surname is Gu. His mother, Consort Shu was my aunt. I am actually not a good person, his Majesty had ordered him to head out to the West, but he sent me as an insider to sneak into Western Liang......" My mind was in a mess like a pot of porridge. I thought for a while until I could finally remember Shifu’s name, and I quietly called his name: "Gu Jian!" I asked him: "So when are you going to kill me, or when are you going to take me as an exchange to His Highness?" Gu Jian didn't answer, although in the dark I could see his miserable smile. It was a long time before he said, "You know I wouldn't do that. "My heart's burning hatred was like a burning flame, which could devour my heart. I found myself holding a pointy stone in my hand, the tiny sharp edges deeply embedded in my palm. My voice still bears a grudge: "You people of the Central Plains, is there anything else you can’t do? You've been lying to me all this time! Gu Xiao Wu lied to me, and you lied to me again and again! You wanted to get to know me, so that you can plan all this? What else can’t you do?! You lied to me again and again and again, and you lied to my father who had trusted you! Tricking me into calling you Shifu......" It wasn't fair to him, I was pouring curses on him, cursing all the Central Plains people as liars. Actually, I know in my heart that I only hated Gu Xiao Wu, how could he treat me like this? I've never had such a strong hatred, if Gu Xiao Wu killed me, if Shifu didn't save me, then maybe I would have been dead......I've been scolding for a long time, and finally I was tired. I looked at Gu Jian and ridiculed him: "You came to save me this time, is it a trap?......Will it be so good that you will receive a reward from the Emperor of the Central Plains?" Shifu looked at me, and after a while he said, "Xiao Feng, I indeed have other intentions of getting to know you. Before I was lying to you, but...... but every time I lied to you, I always felt sad.

You are still a child, no matter how I lied to you, you would always believe me, the more I lied to you, the more guilty I felt. I sent a pigeon to deliver a letter to Li Cheng Yin, at that time I really wanted him to never come...... You were waiting on the sandy hill, I was actually looking at you at a close distance, watching you wait there, waiting for three days and three nights...... That night the moonlight was shining on your face, I looked at the expression on your face that was like the little fox that you were singing about in your song......" His voice slowly became low, "I know that I'm a devil...... and you're still a kid...... However at that time, I had really wanted Li Cheng Yin to never show up, so that I may take you away......Take you somewhere else, leave Western Liang...... However he came, everything was planned, and I had to stay away from you......I don't know...... I was hoping that you might not like him......But......When Li Cheng Yin was going to kill the Wolf King, I knew it was past the point of no return.

　　I helped him kill the Wolf King, his leg was bitten by the Wolf King. I said to him: Your Highness, why is this necessary? Actually, I despise myself even more, what was the point in doing all this?...... I know he killed the Wolf King just to see you again. I helped him, I actually pushed you into his arms......" I don't know what he was talking about, his expression was miserable, finally he said, "Xiao Feng, I'm sorry." I didn’t say anything, there was no one in this world that should feel apologetic towards me, only I should feel apologetic to others.

I am sorry to my grandfather because I lead the wolf into the house[2]. My grandfather had trusted Gu Xiao Wu, and as a result caused the destruction of the Tujue army.

I am sorry to He Shi. If it weren't for me, he wouldn't have died.

I am sorry to A’Du. If it weren’t for me, she wouldn’t get hurt.

I am sorry to the Turks. They were my family, but I led them to be killed ruthlessly.

There wasn’t anyone in this world that had let me down except for Gu Xiao Wu.....However that doesn't matter anymore because I'll kill him. I'll always have a chance to kill him......I looked at the stars above my head and swore in the name of God that one day I will kill him.

I slept in the morning until the sound of drums from the bottom of the mountain woke me up. When I opened my eyes, I saw A’Du jumping up and Gu Jian calmly telling her, "Take the princess away.” "I'm not leaving." I stubbornly said, “If we have to die, all three of us will die together." “I will distract the enemies, you will leave with A”Du." Gu Jian pulled out his sword, his tone of voice was calm, "Li Chengyin has a strong temperament, do you expect him to be sincere to you? If you fall into his hands, this will just help him suppress Western Liang." Western Liang!

　　I was startled that I almost jumped up, Gu Jian looked at me, I was speechless: "He still wants to attack the Western Liang?" Gu Jian smiled and said: "For a ruler, when will there be an end for this world?" I couldn't say anything, the sound of drums 'tong, tong, tong' could be heard three times, the Central Plains people at the bottom began to charge. Gu Jian said to me: "Go!" A'Du pulled me away, although she was slightly injured, her hands were still very flexible. She pulled me up from the hill, but I hurried back a couple of steps, to see Gu Jian standing alone on the top of the hill. The early morning sun was shining directly at him. The white robe he wore which was originally covered with fresh blood from yesterday's fight, had turned into dark purple blood scabs after the night. As he stood in the middle of the sunlight, like a deity with a long sword in his hand and wind blowing at his clothes, everything he said to me last night was like a dream. I remembered when I first met him, he was rescuing a young child from a bolting horse, his white robe rolling over the sand and covered with dust, but at that time he was so powerful like he could prevent the world from falling apart. Those times now seem like a dream. Everything that had happened during the past few days is now like a nightmare for me.

　　I'm walking around the mountains with A'Du, hiding during the day and running during the night. Although the Central Plains army was searching the mountains, we were able to hide skillfully, and they could not find us at the moment. We hid in the mountains for days, drinking snow water when we are thirsty, and digging gerbil holes where seeds of grass and dried fruits are stored to feed us. We didn't know if Gu Jian was still alive or how many days he has been hiding in the mountains.

　　It was already the eighth month because it began to snow. It seems like just one night have passed, and Tian Gen mountain was suddenly covered with snowflakes, the grass turning yellow and frost was everywhere. It was no longer possible to hide in the snowy mountains, even the antelopes don't come out looking for food anymore. At night, the winds could freeze people alive. The Central Plains army should have withdrawn before it snowed, because if the army were trapped in the snow, it would be a terrible thing if the amount of army rations are low; the general in charge must have considered this. After two days of hiding in the mountains, we didn't see any traces of the mountain being searched, so we decided to take the risk to go down the mountain.

　　We were in luck, after going down the mountain and heading south the whole day, we encountered a shepherd. The shepherd boiled snow to wash our hands and face, and cooked lamb meat for us to eat. A'Du and I were like two savage people, we have been hiding in the mountains for too long; we kept on eating but still couldn't fill our stomachs, hiding between the mountains would be even hard to bear after the snow ends. After finishing drinking goat milk in a warm tent, A'Du and I felt like we had left the underworld and returned to earth. Although this shepherd is a Yue Zhi, he was very sympathetic towards the fate of the Turkic people; he thought that we were Turkic women who had escaped, so he treated us very well. He told us that the Central Plains army had gone south, and that thousands of Turks had fled, heading further to the west.

　　I didn't think much, the warm milk had melted my determination to take revenge, and I knew that we could not resist the Central Plains people, nor could I ever avenge my grandfather. I decided to take A'Du back to Western Liang. I miss my father, I miss my mother even more. I was anxious to go back, so that I could tell my father what had happened to the Turkic people and that he should be careful and guard against the Central Plains people. My grandfather had died, and my mother would feel deeply hurt when she learns of this, so I was anxious to see her and comfort her. Although my grandfather is no longer here, but my mother still has me.

Notes:
[1] 修罗场 Devas and Asuras war- This is a Hindu mythological war between two supernatural groups. This term is often used to describe the brutality of war.
[2] 引狼入室 To lead the wolf into the house- The literal translation of this idiom is leading the wolf into the house, which means asking for trouble.

<Chapter 31                                                                                                            Chapter 33>