东宫 Eastern Palace: Chapter 33

Along the way, I felt anxious like there was a burning fear, fearing that one misstep would cause Western Liang to be attacked by Li Cheng Yin, just like the way he killed the Turks. After a long journey, we finally arrived just outside the city of Western Liang.

Seeing that the city was safe, I couldn't help but feel relieved. The city gate was still wide open, winter was coming, there were less caravans, and the city guards that are guarding the gate were covered with sheepskin, dozing off. A'Du and I quietly entered the city.

The familiar palace was particularly solemn in the late autumn cold night. We didn't disturb the guards in the palace, instead we entered the palace through a small door. The imperial palace of Western Liang was merely guarded by several thousand of guards in a relaxed manner. Since Western Liang does not have any enemies, coming here are mostly merchants. Speaking of the imperial palace, it cannot be compared to the Anxi County that is heavily-guarded. In the past, I used to slip out of the palace through this small door, out to the city, and returning back through here, never being found out.

The people in the palace seemed to be asleep. I took A'Du back to my own room, it was quiet inside without anyone. The weather was too cold, and A'Du's face turned pale. I took a leather robe and gave it to A'Du to wear. Our boots were worn out, exposing our toes. I found two new boots to wear, this way we could keep warm.

I walked down the corridor to my mother's palace residence where she lived. I ran all the way so that I could quickly see my mother.

There was no light in the palace. But the fire was already lit in the palace, and there were several fire pans on the carpet. I saw my father sitting next to the fire pans with his head lowered.

I softly called out: "Father." Father was shocked, he slowly turned, seeing that it was me, his eyes became red: "Child, where have you been?" I've never seen Father like this, I could feel some heat in my eyes, a sense of grievance flowing out of my eyes. I pulled my Father's sleeves, asked him: "Where is Mother?" Father's eyes became even more red, his voice seems to be coming from his nose, he said: "Child, hurry and run away." I watched him in a daze, A'Du jumped up and pulled out her knife. Everywhere suddenly turned bright, countless people came in holding lantern torches. I recognized the leader, I knew it was the envoy of the Central Plains that had came to seek marriage, his expression was like a victorious rooster, slowly coming inside. When he saw my Father, he did not kneel down to pay respect, but instead said with arrogance: "King of Western Liang, since the princess has returned, the marriage between the two countries will naturally be fulfilled. You now have no excuses to avoid it." These people were really despicable, I pulled my Father's sleeves and asked him, "What about Mother?" My Father burst into tears, I have never seen my Father cry, I was shocked. Father suddenly pulled out a knife from his waist, and pointed at the Central Plains people. His voice was low, he said: "These Central Plains People, my child you should look carefully at these people, they were the ones that forced your Mother to die, they have forced our Western Liang, they wanted me to hand over your Mother. Your mother did not want to be humiliated, so she committed suicide in the palace.

They......They broke into the palace, they wanted to see your Mother's dead body so that they are convinced that she is dead......These people are murderers! They are the killers that killed your Mother......" Father's voice sounded like a mumbling curse, an echoing sound can be heard in the palace. My whole body was as if it had suffered a hit, I stumbled back a step. Father had cut his face, his face was covered with blood, and he pointed his knife towards the envoy. His movement was intense like a lion, the Central Plains people hastily dispersed, hearing only an echoing sound, the envoy's head had been chopped down by my Father. Father waved the knife, breathing heavily. As the soldiers around him approached again, someone shouted: "The King of Western Liang, you have killed the Central Plains' envoy, do you want to rebel?" Mother! My Mother! I have experienced many difficulties coming back here, but I will never be able to see my Mother again...... My body shuddered at the thought, I pointed at those people and shouted, "Where is Li Cheng Yin? Where is he? Where is he hiding?" No one answered me at first, after a moment someone in the crowd came out. Looking at his attire, it seemed to be a general of the Central Plains. He looked at me and said, "Princess, the King of Western Liang is clearly not in the right state of mind, as he has mistakenly killed the envoy of the Central Plains. Upon seeing his Highness, I the subject will clarify this matter to him. I hope Princess will stay calm, and not damage the dignity of the two countries." I recognized the general, he was the one who had caught A'Du and I in the grassland, took away A'Du's knife, and brought me to the army camp. His martial arts must be good, I am definitely not his opponent. Last time I was able to escape from the camp only because of Shifu. This time Shifu is not here, who else could save me?

I said: "I want to see Li Cheng Yin." The general said: "The King of Western Liang has promised to marry Princess to the Crown Prince so that the two countries will be joint by marriage alliance. The Crown Prince is sincere, and had personally come to Western Liang to marry Princess. Princess will be able to see his Highness eventually, there is no need to be anxious." I watched as those people approach, and Father waved his knife in an attempt to fend them off, but he was eventually subdued. There was so much going on in the imperial palace, but not a single guard had come to take a look. It was obvious that control of the whole city had been seized by the Central Plains people. Father was restrained to the ground by those people, while being yelled at. My mind was like a hot pot of boiling oil, a burning sensation can be felt throughout my body, wanting to rush forward. But those people had placed a knife by Father's neck, and if I move, they would probably kill him. These Central Plains people always say that we are barbarians, but they are more cruel than us when they kill people. As I burst into tears, the general was saying, "Princess, please advise the King to not harm himself." My voice was stuck in my throat. Someone moved to grab my arm, it was A'Du. Her fingers felt cold, but her support was the only thing that helped me remain standing. I looked at her, her dark eyes looked back at me, and I could feel my eyes burning. I know, if I say one word, she would rush forward and fight for me. But why? Why should I let A'Du be involved in this? I said, "Don't kill my father, I'll go with you." Father has lost his mind, since my Mother's death. It's said that he has been like this, becoming conscious and then falling unconscious over and over. Whenever he was conscious, he would try to kill those Central Plains people; when he was unconscious, it seemed like nothing had ever happened. Since everything turned out like this, I would rather his mind remain unconscious forever. When my Mother died, Father's heart also died with her. My older brothers were put under house arrest by the Central Plains. Palace maids were terrified and scared, but I still remained calm.

How can I die so easily without revenge?

I accepted the imperial decree, and decided to marry Li Cheng Yin. Central Plains had just settled the Turks, so they urgently needed the support of the Western Regions to prevent the Yuezhi from become stronger. With the Turks dead, the Western Regions becoming very chaotic, the imperial decree indicated that my Father will be bestowed with a title of Dingxi[1] Khan, which was a honorable title. The Yuezhi were very displeased; they had joined forces with the Central Plains to defeat the Turks, and originally intended to take up a large area of the Turk's territory with one move. But Western Liang was about to have a marriage alliance with the Central Plains. Western Regions was originally led by the Turks, now they are led by Western Liang.

I changed into the red wedding dress provided by the Central Plains, and escorted by the Central Plains army, we slowly headed east.

It wasn't until we had reached Tian Gen mountains that I saw Li Cheng Yin. According to rules of the Central Plains, unmarried couples cannot meet before their marriage; but we already knew each other long ago. Now we are on the way, everything was simple, and after my repeated requests, Li Cheng Yin finally came to my camp. The servants have already walked out, there was only the two of us in the tent.

I sat on the rug and didn't talk for a long time. It wasn't until he turned away that I said to him, "You do one thing for me, then I will marry you with all my will." He simply did not turn around, but asked: "What is it?" "I want you to catch a hundred fireflies for me." His back was stiff, and he turned slowly to see me. I even smiled at him: "Gu Xiao Wu, do you dare to agree?" His eyes were as if we were by the river that night, but no longer contain any warmth, I already knew everything was false. What about him? Still keep on acting, he'll probably get tired of it sooner or later. "It's winter, there are no fireflies." He finally opened his mouth and sounded as if nothing had happened, "Central Plains is great, it has fireflies, beautiful birds, beautiful flowers, exquisite houses, you will like the Central Plains." I looked at him, but he avoided my eyes.

I asked, "Have you ever really liked me? Even with a little bit of sincerity?" He didn't say anything anymore, only opened the curtains of the tent, and walked out.

The wind outside had lightly swirled the snowflakes, constantly blowing them inside. The fire pan in the tent had originally been lit, but the gloomy flame was blown by a sudden gust of wind and snow, wavering a bit before being extinguished in an instant. It was really cold, this kind of winter.

When A'Du and I tried to escaped during the middle of the night, Li Cheng Yin personally led an army of three thousand soldiers to chase after us. We fled into the mountains, but they kept chasing us.

By the time it was dawn, A'Du and I had climbed up the cliff.

While we hid in the mountains, we would often encounter the wolves. Ever since the white-eyed wolf king had been killed, the wolves had lost their leader, and the fight among them has been  more intense. Every time I see them, they're always tearing each other apart; they don't pay any attention to humans, just like the way Western Regions was treated by the Central Plains. They killed the Turks just like they killed the wolf king, then the rest of the tribe will fight, kill, fight.....No longer will the tribes glare at the Central Plains, just like the wolves, who will kill their companions and fight for the position of the wolf king, and no longer hurting people.

My clothes kept flapping due to the strong wind, as I stood on the edge of the cliff, the cold wind blowing into my eyes cause me unable to keep them open. I know that if I were to jump down, all the troubles will disappear.

Li Cheng Yin had caught up, so I took a step back. The general of the Central Plains army was worried that I would jump down. I heard him say aloud, "Your Highness, let this subject persuade the princess." Along the way, I've understood a little bit of the Central Plains language, I also knew that general's surname was Pei, Li Cheng Yin's favorite general. However General Pei was unable to persuade Li Cheng Yin, I saw that Li Cheng Yin had dismounted from the horse, climbing up the cliff.

 　　I didn't stop him, watching him climb the cliff. The wind was like a mist, the clouds were swirling under the cliffs, don't know how deep it was. He stood on the edge of the cliff, gasping for air because he was running here. I pointed at the cliff and asked him, "Do you know what's under here?" Maybe it was the snowy wind that was too intense, his face looked pale, the wind swirling snow pellets, blowing onto the face, very painful. I used my hand to wipe the snow water on my face, he didn't know what he should say to me, so he was just silent. I told him, "That's the river of forgetfulness. The river of forgetfulness, to forget a love......There is a saying in the Western Regions that you have probably never heard of: As long as you jump into the river of forgetfulness, you will forget all your worries in this world, be transformed and reborn. Very magical, but God has this power, this holy water that can allow people to forget all their pains and worries. However no one has survived after jumping into the river of forgetfulness. God's care can sometimes be cruel.....You used my Father and older brothers to threaten me, so I could only marry you." I even smiled at him, "However I have the choice to choose to live or die." He looked at my face and said, "If you act lightly, I will bury the whole Western Liang with you." "Your Highness will not," I calmly said. This is my first time calling him your Highness, and will also perhaps be the last time. "Your Highness has the ambition of settling the Western Regions and ruling the world. Nothing is better than your Highness' great cause. The Turks have just been settled, the Yuezhi became more powerful, and your Highness needs Western Liang to control the Yuezhi and to show your vision to each country. Your Highness used terrifying methods to pacify the Turks, but your Highness pacified Western Liang with the heart of the Buddha. With the honor of the Crown Prince of the Celestial Empire, marrying this barbarian of Western Liang to be your Crown Princess, the Western Regions will recall fondly of your Highness." I look at him with a sneer, "If your Highness continues to kill everyone in Western Liang, what will be destroyed would not only be a small Western Liang, but everything you have painstakingly managed." Li Cheng Yin hearing me say this, his expression had changed. Finally he could not help but take a step forward, but I took a step backward. My heel was already in the air, and the wind beneath the cliff made me almost unable to stand still, shaking as if it was going to fall at any moment. My clothes were blowing so hard in the air that my sleeve was like a thin blade, constantly hitting against my arm. He didn't dare to move forward, and I said to him, "I have misjudged you, now the country is in ruins, and God has tortured me as punishment." I said each word with a pause, "For all my lifetimes, I will forever forget you!" Li Cheng Yin was so shocked that he reached forward to grab me, but he was only able to grab my sleeve. With my left hand raised, a 'chi' sound can be heard, the knife in my hand cutting the sleeve. Half of my body was already in midair, but he was quick, pulling out a belt that was like a long whip to wrap it around me, pulling me up. That belt was actually the one on the wedding day, coral colored and decorated with pearls and jades......I had thought that we could live together until old age. I thought that we could be like this forever. I thought that God had finally gave me a person that I could long for......I had once helped him tie on this belt before he had left the wedding ceremony, with infinite love and admiration, hoping that he would return safely..... By then, we are officially married, granted by the God as husband and wife......I waved my knife to cut off the belt, the wind was blowing, the pearls and jades was like a swirling rain.....I could finally clearly see his expression, it was very painful......I leaned back, my entire body was already falling down. Countless people were shouting in shock as well as General Pei of the Central Plains, his voice was even more shocking: "Your Highness....." Everything that was happening on the cliff could no longer be seen, but only the clear sky..... It was as if the wind was supporting the clouds, but I was constantly falling from the clouds. As my body was falling and twisting, my head was facing down, no longer able to see the sky, and the endless wind was like thorns hitting the face, making me unable to open my eyes. A'Du told me that underneath was the river of forgetfulness, but what does the river of forgetfulness look like?  Was it a deep pool of jade colored water? Or was it an abyss that will swallow people whole?......The despair of emptiness was slowly rushing in. I was thinking of my Mother, if I would be able to see her, then that would be great. Every hope had turned into dust, in this world only my Mother loved me the most. I thought somebody grabbed my hand, but at this point I wasn't certain as the wind was still blowing through my ears. That person who was pulling me, we continued falling rapidly down with the wind.....He was holding onto me as we were spinning in the air ......He kept on trying to grasp the edges of the cliff, but we were falling too fast. Jostled stones were falling with us, like shooting stars pulled from the sky......It was like that night when we were beside the river, countless fireflies flying from our sleeves, like a meteor shower, shining onto our faces...... His eyes only had me...... like I was the only one for him...... I would have never dreamed that he would jump down with me, I had believed that he never felt any bit of sincerity towards me.

He said: "Xiao Feng!" The wind had swept away the sound from his lips, so thin that I could hardly hear it. I guess I must have heard it wrong, or it was all just hallucination. He would never jump down, because he was Li Cheng Yin, not my Gu Xiao Wu, who had died on the night of the battle between the Turks and the Central Plains.

He said something in Central Plains language,  I didn't understand it.

That was the last sentence in my memory, and maybe he followed me down the cliff, just to say that to me. What was it, I no longer wanted to know...... I felt relieved and calm, knowing that in the last moment, I was not alone...... A heavy body hurled into the water, smacked by jade colored water, like numerous cold knives, splitting my skin. I gave up the struggle, letting myself sink to the bottom, like a baby returning to its mother, like a flower falling onto the earth, I knew these were the most peaceful places to live.

Deep water, "The river of forgetfulness, to forget a love......" ..."A fox sitting on a sandy hill, looking at the moon. Oh, it's not looking at the moon, it's waiting for the shepherd girl to return......" ..."It sounds awful! Change to another song!" ..."I could only sing this song......" ..."For all my lifetimes, I will forever forget you!"...In my memories there was light flashing and flickering, like a thick fog gradually spreading, revealing only an illusory mirage. I slowly opened my blurred eyes and everything started to come into focus. I see A'Du, who was right next to me. I could also see Yong Niang, her eyes were red and slightly swollen.

I looked at the mosquito net with embroidered flowers, I slowly recognized that this was the Eastern Palace, my own palace residence.

I slowly sighed, it felt like I had a nightmare in which terrible things had happened: I was taken by an assassin, and then the assassin was Gu Jian, I stood under the Cheng Tian gate and watched Li Cheng Yin who was upstairs.....The most terrifying part was that I dreamed about knowing Li Cheng Yin long ago. Under the name Gu Xiao Wu, killed all the Turks, killed my grandfather, and forced my Mother to die......Father became mad, and I was forced to jump into the river of forgetfulness....This nightmare was terrible......It was so terrifying that I didn't want to think about it......Fortunately it was just a nightmare, I slowly grabbed Yong Niang's hand and smiled at her, wanting to say, "I'm so hungry...." But I couldn't say anything, my throat was very sore, the air was swirling in my mouth, but I couldn't talk. I was so anxious that I immediately reached for my neck with my hand. Yong Niang pulled my hand away with tears in her eyes: "Don't worry Crown Princess, the imperial doctor said that you only have a sore throat, that's why you have lost your voice. It will slowly get better......" As I looked at A'Du and then looked at Yong Niang, a palace maid brought a bowl of dew and Yong Niang personally fed it to me. The sweet smell and cool taste of the dew made me feel very comfortable, and immediately eased the pain on my throat. I swallowed it, and Yong Niang said, "Slow down, slow down......Don't choke......Oh......Not drinking anything these past few days......Making this servant worried......" Days?

How many days have I been asleep?

I wanted paper and a brush. Yong Niang busily ordered people to bring it to me, a palace maid brought an ink stone. I dipped the brush into the ink, however when I was about to write, I hesitated.

What should I write?

What did I want to ask? Ask if all the Turks were dead? Ask my father if he had become deranged? When I had arrived at the Central Plains, he had never sent anyone to see me. I missed Western Liang everyday, but there wasn't anyone who had come to visit. Before I didn't think there was anything strange. I used to blame my Father for being heartless, but now I understand that Western Liang had become a fantasy. I didn't dare to ask A'Du, how would I dare ask Yong Niang?

After a long time have passed, I was still unable to write anything.

The ink became more condensed at the end of the brush for nothing had been written even after a long time had passed. It finally dripped onto the paper, resulting in a splatter of ink resembling the form of a flower.

Notes:
[1] 定西 Dingxi- a city in the Gansu province.

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